Upcoming Sunday Worship Services
May 13, 2001
"Pulling Our Weight"
(A Mother's Day homily)
I open this morning wanting to pay tribute to Mother's Day.... to all of you
who are mothers, or who are married to mothers or who ever had a mother -
Happy Mother's day. Today I'd like to explore briefly, not motherhood
itself, but one of the many qualities characteristically associated with
successful mothering -- responsibility.
Mothers have historically been known for being selfless. And as everyone
knows, a mother's work is never done. A old Saturday Evening Post cartoon
captures perfectly an extreme example of these features of motherhood. It
depicts a female patient lying on an analyst's couch having her session.
And yet, her hair is still in curlers and next to her on the doctor's floor
are piles of her dishes and a dish rack. There is a stack of folded clothes
behind her. As she talks, she is frantically drying a plate with more
stacked on her stomach with more on the floor. The psychiatrist looking
bored, is staring off into space and saying, "It's imperative, Mrs. Carlson,
that you put aside some time exclusively for yourself."
I hope Mrs. Carlson's family appreciates all she does for them. She
obviously works hard.
Mrs. Carlson, as far as I'm concerned, could also be Mr. Carlson today. Many
of us, both men and women, would have little trouble identifying with Mrs.
Carlson. Day after day there is too much to do. You hold down a responsible
job, bring in a paycheck, properly feel and clothe your children, care for
the house as you are able. Am I talking about you? But a minister's job
is most often to tell a cautionary tale, and the caution here is that
something is missing from Mrs Carlson's life, and possibly from yours.
Do you know what is missing? Self care. Until recent years our culture
inadvertently trained many women especially to be like this; to know their
worth only while working for others, and to find their complete identity
there. Transformation to a better life and better health for the Mrs.
Carlsons of the world can't take place until they learn a new type of
responsibility - responsible self-care. Self care requires a certain
measure of self advocacy in a culture that asks much of us, and that can
feel uncomfortable for women especially because it may feel not feminine at
first.
Unitarian Universalist writer Robert Fulghum tells a story about a
kindergarten teacher friend who was asked to have her class dramatize a
fairy tale for a teachers' conference - and the class chose Cinderella.
Fulghum never liked Cinderella precisely because the heroine in the story
quietly accepts the role of virtual slave in her family and is passive to
the point of being irresponsible. Do you remember her? Now there's someone
who didn't speak up for herself. All she did after both before and after the
ball was work around the clock, nose to the grindstone, without a word of
productive protest. Her lack of protest was seen as a sign of her goodness,
and in the story she is rewarded for this passive behavior. Fulghum says
that rewarding her with the love of the prince for this is pure poison...
sends the wrong message entirely. In anything but a fairy tale Cinderella
would have ended up on the psychiatrist's couch.
But it wasn't Fulghum's story. From his teacher friend's point of view
Cinderella was a practical choice because there was lots of room for
including all the kids. The list of possible roles. included Cinderella,
stepsisters, coachmen, mice, king and princesses - enough so that every
child could be in the play. So the roles were handed out until everyone had
one. Every one, that is,except one small boy. Listened to what happened:
"Well, Norman," said the teacher, "who are you going to be?"
"Well, replied Norman, "I'm going to be the pig."
"Pig? There is no pig in the story."
"Well, there is now."
The teacher saw no harm in letting Norman be Norman, he was always marching
a bit out of step with the rest - and since there was nothing in the script
explaining what a pig should do, the action was left up to Norman.
As it turned out, Norman gave himself a walk-on part. The pig walked along
side Cinderella wherever she went, ambling along on all fours in a piggy way
in a pink costume of his own choosing with a paper cup for a nose. Norman
never said anything. He simply reacted emotionally to every nuance of the
play. His facial expressions reflected the dramatic action - he looked
worried, anxious, hopeful, puzzled. One look at the pig and you knew what
was going on and that it was important. The pig was a big hit. At the climax
when the prince finally put the glass slipper on Cinderella's foot and the
loving couple hugged, the pig went wild with joy, dancing around on his hind
legs and barking.
Norman's teacher was taken aback when Norman started barking - do you
remember that you're a pig, she inquired gently? "Yeah, I'm a barking
pig", came his reply. The barking, she had to admit, was well done. And,
of course, it's Fulghum who tells the story, because he loves it. The
presentation at the Teachers' Conference was a big hit. And can you guess
who received a standing ovation at the end? Yes, it was Norman, the barking
pig.
Norman is the real Cinderella in the story, someone who is transformed. He
grew. He is going to do fine in life. Cinderella, on the other hand,
probably is looking a lot like Mrs. Carlson.
Transformation and growth comes from contributing as we are able. And we
contribute more in the long run, and better and with more happiness if we
say no appropriately to demands that are too much.
Mother's Day like every holiday, gives us an opportunity to take stock of
our values. A central tension in everyone's lives that is especially
prominent in the lives of mothers is the all-important need to balance care
for others with learning to care for oneself. The skill is important because
life is more a marathon than a 100 yard dash. Skilled and appropriate self
assertion will help us better balance our caring for others with caring for
ourselves. Avoiding burnout is good for everyone. We may sound like barking
pigs to those who want something from us in the moment, but the drive to
pace ourselves is nonetheless healthy and should be cultivated. Sometimes
you need to - and you do know when that is - summon the strength and
conviction when that is so - and respect it in others.... whether it is
pulling back occasionally from contributions we are invited to make here at
the church or in our work lives or with other commitments. Cycle out, cycle
in as you need to. This Mother's Day let us all dedicate ourselves to
loving wisely and well and pacing ourselves for the long haul.